RAM: Random Access Mind

Where are we going to go today?

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drop me a line.

[:.FAVORITE QUOTES.:]

8-11-03
"Since we no longer have the right to shoot trespassers on sight, we now reserve the right to viciously mock their clothes and haircuts. Until they cry and run home to their mommies. Long live the first amendment."
-Daniel Hill

2-5-04
"Maybe it's not the Grim Reaper. Maybe it's the Grim Rapper. Maybe it's just some guy that comes for ya and goes like 'Yo yo yo! It's time to go. You've lost all your fluids, your vitals sapped. Time to get ready for the big dirt nap.'"
-Robin Williams

2-19-04
"So Maine is cold. I think it was named Maine, which I believe is Indian for "Cold as your girlfriends feet in December". Pretty, but chilly."
-Melissa McCue

5-27-04
"If you try to take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a nonworking cat."
-Douglas Adams

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(Changed 2-15-06)
Wednesday, July 10, 2002
 
HEHEHEHEHEHE!
This was sent to me by my Uncle Steve. Hehehe! :)
I happen to agree with most of them, too.

The Rules....This Time by Men.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side, now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.



Monday, July 08, 2002
 
IT'S SHOCKING!!!
Just absolutely astounding and amazing!! Amelia Earhart's plane has landed! With only a skeleton at the controls! Not only that, but flatulent sheep are destroying the Earth, a midget was stuck in an airplane toilet for over 2 hours, The Pentagon has developed an "Ice Bomb" to destroy Hell, an ape has started a new religion, and the "real" 'Men in Black" are not government agents, but space aliens themselves!! All these news stories brought to you by the people at the Weekly World News. This "newspaper" is one of the funniest things out there. Anytime you see a cover story about Bigfoot, or a frog boy being born, or something absolutely ridiculous like that, this is probably where it's coming from. This is the paper for the conspiracy nuts and loonies out there. And the stories they print are a laugh. They can never name their sources, since all this "information" is "top secret" or, when they do name names, it's on things that are impossible to check on. And of course there are the personal ads in this thing. Unfortunately, they only print about 2 dozen. I wish there were more, just for the laughs. This week, we have 7 correctional institute inmates, 2 women and 5 men. My favorite this week is from one of the women: "Dangerously lonely doll desiring passion, a love that will last until I take my last breath, sassy, charming, flamboyant, exceptional, loyal. Will relocate. Released soon." All I have to say is, I don't doubt the "dangerously" part of that statement. Also, who exactly will be taking the last breath in the relationship?
Any time you need a good laugh, find a copy of this paper and read it. It will be highly entertaining. :)



Monday, July 01, 2002
 
I'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!
Returned from visiting my sister in one piece. Ya know how I said that I hoped my flight back would be better? It sucked. The itinerary for the return trip was supposed to be: leave Long Island at 7:05, get to Baltimore at 8:10, leave Baltimore at 9:45, get into Cleveland 10:50 (all times PM). There are those pesky words again. "supposed to be". We got to LI airport at 5ish. Flight takes off on time, not a problem, get into Baltimore relatively on time. Go up to the counter at Baltimore. Our flight's been delayed, it'll get to Baltimore at about 11pm. ARGH!!! It does, we leave Baltimore at about 11:30, get into Cleveland about 12:30. I flew on Southwest both ways, and it did not leave a good impression with me. My sister and bro-in-law both assure me that what I experienced is highly unusual for them. I dunno. If I had to fly again in the near future, Southwest would not be my first choice.

Something more fun next time.